Punkee Recaps Vanderpump Rules: I Have Never Heard So Much Yelling

I blinked and somehow it’s already episode 10 of season 11.

It opens with a montage of the cast on the morning of Lala’s “water tasting” event. Lala, Katie and Ally are doing a workout in the park. Katie straight up doesn’t understand how people can say they’re addicted to exercise, declaring as the voice of reason, “It’s like they’ve never drunk wine”. I wholeheartedly agree. They touch on the afternoon’s H2O-inspired activities (which is taking place at Ally and James’ place) and acknowledge that Sandoval is invited. I truly could’ve done without this scene. 

Over in the Valley, we’re at Ariana and Sandoval’s place. Sandoval is upstairs working out in the gym, and Ariana greets Ann downstairs for an assistant chat. A true meeting of the minds. In her interview, Ariana acknowledges that things might get a little rough if she poaches Sandoval’s assistant, “but I mean, he didn’t respect me enough to like you know, not fuck my friend when I was at my Grandma’s funeral, so I should be stealing his assistant gleefully!” They discuss what Ann’s current duties are, and she shares that she’s not stoked to be dealing with Sandoval’s dirty socks and jocks. Ariana validates this ick, “I know he wears that shit sometimes for like days in a row, and then he’d wonder why I wouldn’t wanna fuck him!! Change your drawers, bro”. Lol yuck.

Ann discusses how she prefers to be doing more administrative tasks, with Ariana explaining how she’d love to have an assistant who anticipates her needs and knows her so well that they’re a team. “I would love to work for an amazing girl boss!” Ann exclaims, essentially drooling over the prospect of switching teams. Look, I love Ann and I will defend her til the death, however she loses a few points for me on professionalism given she’s essentially taking an interview in the home of her current employer, who we see is eavesdropping on them creepily from upstairs. 

Ariana reminds Ann that this is all strictly hypothetical and wouldn’t occur until their living arrangement has been sorted, but I think Ann is already doodling “Ms Ariana Madix” with love hearts in her dream journal.

Over at Scheana and Brock’s house, Schwartz arrives to hang out and GUESS WHAT HE BROUGHT WITH HIM? A mother fucking plant. What is going on here?! Honestly, I didn’t see the man with a plant for a decade on this show and suddenly every second episode he’s giving them to anyone who will talk to him. Maybe Sandoval should look into this tactic. 

Tom discusses his biological clock (which is surely malfunctioning due to years of terrible decision making), and in his interview, he tells us: “I’m not sure of a lot of things in life, but I’m sure I’ll be a good dad.” This man can barely put shoes on in the morning but ok. 

They head outside so Scheana can take a cold plunge, and Brock cracks a joke about Katie sleeping with Max, with Scheana shooting Brock a look icier than the bath water.

Over at Katie’s apartment, Ariana arrives to hang out. She tells Katie about her morning with Ann, and shares that because of the eavesdropping, Sandoval later came downstairs to reprimand Ann, apparently making her cry and sending her home. “I don’t like this situation of privacy that’s been happening all around,” says Katie, before we see a flashback of last week’s episode where Scheana revealed she has 56 people’s locations on her phone. “Does she just sit in bed and like, track everybody?” Ariana wonders.

Image credit: Hayu

Back at Scheana and Brock’s, Schwartz asks Brock if he was meant to keep Katie and Max a secret. “That was NOT his place!” snapped Scheana, proceeding to make it about her and Katie and their tenuous dynamic. “Let’s not forget, last summer she wished for your world to fucking burn,” says Brock, which is a very valid point. Schwartz thinks it’s unfair that Katie slept with one of his best friends, yet when he kissed Raquel, they were barely friends. “Well maybe it’s tit for tat,” suggests Scheana from the cold plunge.

Back on the couch, Katie tells Ariana that sleeping with Max was likely fuelled by her recent discovery of Schwartz and Scheana’s Vegas hookup. “Tom can be upset if he wants, but at the end of the day, should I feel bad? No. It’s not like we had an agreement right?” smirks Katie in her interview, referring to Schwartz’ inability to respect boundaries.

The discussion turns to the water tasting event, which Ariana is cheesed off Sandoval has been invited to. “She’s [Lala] really going out of her way to try to understand something with him, it’s part of her healing process I suppose…” Ariana says. It’s recently been reported that the season 11 Pump reunion is essentially Ariana vs Lala, and I’m starting to understand why. “It’s not a water tasting, it’s a waterboarding,” jokes Ariana and I’m scared.

James and Ally are in their kitchen, peeping through the window at Martin, the water sommelier setting up outside. My notes say “this guy is loopy” and I stand by it. Lala arrives, thanking the couple for hosting, and in his interview, James shares that unlike Lala, he hasn’t quite become a sparkling water connoisseur just yet. “I’m definitely more on like, Redbull, Coca Cola.” It shows matey. 

Schwartz arrives followed by Brock and Scheana, Katie, Ariana, Dayna (former castmate and friend), and finally Sandoval. We see Brock and Katie awkwardly hugging it out, and Brock apologises for being “hammered” and spilling the tea the night before. Katie reckons it might be payback (we see a flashback of her talking shit about Brock’s personal life in season 9), and hopes the two are finally even.

The group commence the tasting, huddled around the kooky Martin whose passion for sparkling water is possibly only matched by hostess Lala. “Water may seem like something you drink, it’s all the same… but sparkling water has really been there for me when I wanna get buck-wild when I feel stressed when I feel sad. It’s to the point where if you don’t have the sparkling water I want, it’s enough to kind of fuck up the whole day,” she tells us. Girlfriend LOVES a bit of hydration. 

Martin declares himself the “Harry Potter of water”, shaking a bottle of water until it looks like milk. “Some say it tastes like ‘beep’,” he explains, with Lala chiming in with the uncensored version. He moves onto a one thousand-dollar bottle of water, declaring it the only bottle in America. “It takes like… water,” laughs Katie, before suggesting they head into the kitchen to grab some wine. A tippity top ally to the sober community. 

The boys play basketball outside and chat about Sandoval’s date with Tii while the girls sit on the couch inside chatting about Ann. Sandoval and James go to grab the pizza, and it’s very awkward as he walks past the group while Ariana spills the tea. Learning that the delivery man forgot the ranch dressing (a sin), Sandoval takes it upon himself to run after him to get it. “He’s doing so much, he’s doing way too much,” says Ariana. In his interview, Sandoval complains, “It makes it harder for me to be in the background, be a wallflower, when I hear Ariana making all these comments about me”. Maybe don’t have a seven-month affair then.

Heading back outside, Sandoval explains that Tii shared her interaction with Ariana from SUR (we see a flashback to last week’s episode where Ariana warns Tii to stay away from a “41-year-old narcissist”), which he finds “tacky”. “We’re still at the infant stage of how we’re gonna get through this,” says Brock. “You guys need to figure out how to talk to each other for the sake of this group.” In typical Sandoval defence mode, he quips, “I love how people put that on me”.

My eyes are rolling so aggressively that I’ve booked in to see the optometrist. 

We’re back inside eating pizza, still chatting about Ann. Knowing that Ann played the crucial role of mediator, the girls ask Ariana who is going to communicate between her and Sandoval. “My lawyer could probably do it,” she responds, seemingly blowing the mind of Lala. “I think your lawyer has better things to do with his time than mediate between you and your ex-boyfriend,” she tells us in her interview. To be fair, I don’t really understand what lawyers do, but I think Lala is probably right.

Katie goes outside and comes face to face with Schwartz. “Is there anything you wanna talk about?” he sheepishly asks her. “Is there anything YOU wanna talk about?” Katie fires back. “You dirty dog!” laughs Schwartz (I’m glad we’re laughing about this). “I’m trying on the Schwartz pants and walking a mile in them,” Katie responds, telling us in her interview. “I might have been in an extreme ‘fuck it’ mentality because Tom has been doing me dirty for years.” TRUE.

“Max is literally my best friend and you fucked him, and you roasted me after I kissed Raquel,” he tells Katie, who quickly reminds him of the fact that he broke the “no kissing mutual friends” agreement first. “It was a flimsy agreement,” says Schwartz. “Everything was flimsy to you,” replies Katie. God she knows this man too well. “Katie’s had this air of moral superiority, and she’s fucked up a little bit,” Schwartz shares in his interview. “Katie’s a fuck up too, and it feels good to say that.” He asks if they can start fresh and suggests they get dinner. “I don’t want to get dinner,” says Katie, and they both laugh. Everything is fine I guess?

You know what isn’t fine? The next scene.

We’re back inside and Ariana is telling everyone that Ann was left crying because of the attempted dog murderer. When Brock doubles back on this, Sandoval walks past and clarifies, “Oh, she’s referring to me”. This evolves into an incredibly heated exchange over Ariana’s dog Mya and Sandoval’s carelessness. If you recall, last week Sandoval accidentally locked Mya in Ariana’s bedroom for hours and she ate some of Ariana’s leftovers which led to an emergency vet visit and a $6k vet bill. 

“Do not go in my room, that is the only safe space I have in the home because you fucking wrecked it,” Ariana screams at Sandoval. They bring up the house and the lawyers and suddenly Ariana is shouting, “Get the fuck away from me” and “Never fucking look me in the eye again you fucking piece of shit”. While Sandoval yells back, Ariana tells the group she’s being harassed and threatens to call 911. “Ruin my life, my home, and then fucking attempt to kill my fucking dog.”

Image credit: Hayu

Clearly feeling defeated by his ex’s wrath, Sandoval gets his stuff and swiftly exits. Schwartz calls him and they talk it out. “She called me a dog murderer,” Sandoval tells Schwartz. “This was like literally a lowkey trial run to see if you two could coexist,” Schwartz explains. “This is what I dealt with my entire relationship,” claims Sandoval. “No comment,” Schwartz responds, an uncharacteristically diplomatic choice.

Schwartz heads inside to excuse himself, only to find Ariana is still heated and yelling about Mya. “You’re gonna have to have a productive conversation with him,” Lala tells Ariana, who explains that she can’t have a productive conversation with a sociopath. “Seeing Ariana upset like this just breaks my heart,” Scheana shares in her interview. “But ultimately what’s best for your mental health is to find a way to process those emotions and move on with your life.” 

“How’s the pizza?” Schwartz interrupts, to a chorus of eyerolls. “Now I’m mad at you again by association,” Ariana tells Schwartz, who tucks his tail between his legs and heads for the exit. “Goodbye! Dayna, good to see you again. Katie, call me,” he says, to Katie’s bewilderment and the entertainment of the group. The man is hopeless but he does know how to lighten the mood up.

Next, Scheana is hosting a beach day. Over at her place, Brock is hanging with Summer Moon. “Mummy and Daddy are…” he starts, with Scheana quickly interrupting from the kitchen, “Mummy and Daddy are going to work!”. Brock continues, “Mummy and Daddy are going to go have fun together, and you want us to have fun together right?”. God these two need to get on the same page with their parenting styles. 

Scheana sits down and we have more nanny chat and I’m bored to tears with this plotline. Conversation moves to Ariana and Sandoval, with Scheana wondering whether they spoke at the house last night after the blowup. “If she can’t handle that then she shouldn’t be going to places with him,” says Brock. “What Sandoval did, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to Ariana. It has brought so much prosperity and wealth and happiness and opportunity into her life. But I’m afraid if I say anything to Ariana about wanting to move past this anger and hatred towards Sandoval, she’s gonna cut me out,” Scheana shares. And I can just feel that she brought up prosperity and wealth as a reference to… you guessed it… Dancing With The Stars.  

We head on over to Sandoval and Ariana’s, where the latter is greeting interior designer Lucinda. “Suffering through the water tasting has made it all the more clear that I have to get out of this house as soon as possible,” Ariana tells us. She explains that Lucinda has a complete inventory list, which will help her ensure there are no loopholes in her counteroffer to Sandoval. The two walk through the house and there are so many ugly items tbh. “I’m pretty sure when Tom sent me a letter of intent to buy me out of the house, he thought I would say “Great! Thanks for the cash” and leave all the furniture I paid for and picked out just sitting there for him to use. I don’t fucking think so,” Ariana proclaims. We learn that the next steps are essentially Lucinda drafting up the list, Ariana sending it to her attorney and waiting for Sandoval to explode. 

It’s time for the beach!! James is complaining about the logistics of beach day and I feel seen. 

“Ready to get a drink thrown in your face?” Scheana jokingly asks Schwartz, referencing last season’s beach day where James had a tantrum. “Not this time, this is a beach day redemption,” declares Schwartz. Everyone is settled until they see Sandoval arriving, wearing the exact shirt Ariana had predicted he’d show up in.

Image credit: Hayu

James being James gets up and draws a line in the sand between the two ends of the beach tent. “I’m drawing a line in the sand, literally. That’s Ariana’s side, Sandoval’s side over there”. Everyone laughs, except for Ariana and Sandoval.

Sandoval tells the group about a girl he met who is throwing a singles event that he and Schwartz are attending. Extremely poor taste if you ask me, but no surprises here. “Do you wanna be my date?” Schwartz asks Katie, who is mortified. They joke around about being single and Max and Schwartz ruins everything by saying, “From a statistical standpoint, I was pretty faithful”. Shut up Schwartz!!!! 

Katie asks Sandoval if he knew about Schwartz and Scheana’s Vegas kiss, to which he claims he didn’t, which is of course a lie. “Almost every guy in this group has been flirty with me!” Scheana exclaims, “Including you Sandoval”. “It’s almost like, the recipient of flirtiness,” says Sandoval. “Was that what you told Raquel when you guys started that whole thing?” fucking Brock fucking asks. This bothered me so damn much. How dare you guys insist Ariana has to be cool with hanging out with Sandoval, and then make affair jokes in her face? NOT cool Brock.

“Can we have this conversation fucking not in front of me? Because it fucking disgusts me,” a rightfully pissed off Ariana requests, which then leads to more bickering between her and Sandoval. Ann is brought up, with Sandoval insisting he didn’t fire her, he just suggested they take a couple of days off. James asks who is looking after Mya in Ann’s absence, and Ariana insists Ann is not Mya’s dog sitter. This turns into an argument about who owns the pets (Ariana), and who pays the bills (also Ariana) and Ariana yells “Stop speaking to me!” repeatedly to Sandoval as he tries to argue about the house. Sandoval leaves as Lala arrives, confused as to what the hell she’s walked into. “This is why I will not do this again after today, you guys keep doing this, you let him sit there and talk shit, while he’s the one that ruined my entire fucking life,” lectures Ariana. “None of you guys put him in check and it’s really fucking disrespectful.” 

Image credit: Bravo

“I’m not saying that Ariana needs to forgive and forget, but I just do think it’d be better if maybe Ariana released some of this anger. It’s just probably consuming a lot of her life. I just feel like she would be more at peace if she could just release,” a surprisingly wise James says in his interview. “You guys need to step in as men and kinda be ike, ‘bro shut the fuck up’, because he is such a misogynist he requires men – because that’s who he respects – to put him in his place,” explains Ariana, which is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Lala jumps in to share her two cents, which Ariana is not having. “Lala, I don’t need you to play Devil’s advocate”. The episode ends with Ariana simply fucking fed up, and I really can’t blame her anymore.

Written by Lil Friedmann, lover of all things Bravo and staunch defender of reality television. You can follow her at @lilfriedmann on socials.

Season 11 of Vanderpump Rules is available to stream on Hayu from 31 January, with episodes dropping the same day as the USA.

Image credit: Bravo, Hayu + Punkee