
Why Single-Sex Schools Are Impacting Your Friendships
I once had a man crush on a dude from my cinema studies class.
Just like in Seinfeld when George Costanza becomes smitten with Elaine’s new boyfriend Tony, the backwards cap-wearing guy who cruises effortlessly through life, I had encountered a cool bloke who I sensed was genuine friendship material.
He would say something in a class discussion and I’d just think “yeah! That’s so true, man. We’d be awesome friends.” But even though I was so certain of our friendship prospects, I never attempted to cultivate any sort of lasting bond.
Why? As Paul Rudd’s character in I Love You Man laments, “How do you even make friends? It’s such a weird concept.” I only saw most people once a week in a tute, giving me a 45-minute window to prove myself as some sort of worthy friendship candidate.
Then I started doubting myself – was this weird? I already have friends – why do I need more? Guys don’t do this. Do I just go up to people? People will think I’m a freak.
It seemed to me that actively showing any interest in hanging with someone outside class might either be misconstrued as an expression of romantic desire or just something a needy awkward friendless loser with no hope would do. Especially in Melbourne, where cliques are king, and human islands are never in fashion.
Alas, the weeks trickled by and we reached the end of the semester and any fledgling mateships would soon fade into a bleak nothingness as soon as we all strolled out of that tute room doorway.
I was bad at making friends, it seemed, but I wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that for six years in secondary school, I spent virtually everyday with 250 other males in an environment where asking for friendship implied vulnerability and desperation.
Where the idea that we don’t actively seek friends – they just happen naturally – was dominant.
The unfortunate risk, of course, was that friendships would be formed out of convenience or proximity rather than interpersonal compatibility.
All-boys schooling allows for groups of boys to define themselves as a part of their fixed friendship groups. It doesn’t favour individuals with unique thoughts and feelings who look to associate with whoever they please. And, importantly, it deprives us of learning valuable skills from women about friendship, openness and communication.
It should come as no surprise then that we find ourselves living in a culture in which it’s easier and less weird for guys to ask someone for sex (Tinder) than it is to ask a dude you don’t really know that well to hang out.
Thankfully, with the advent of Facebook and the steady erosion of the once-dominant alpha male stereotype men are heading in the right direction when it comes to more freely expressing themselves to one another and forming real bonds.
Building friendships is an extremely valuable facet of life for males and females alike.
But it seems to utilise this golden commodity, men from single-sex educations need to make a real effort. We need to seek out those who we genuinely connect with, cast aside our inhibitions and believe that we truly have something to offer as a friend. Hopefully, they won’t tell us to ‘step off’.