Krispy Kreme has decided they want to kill you

Fast food can push the boundaries of reality to a point where satire becomes irrelevant. How we laughed in the 90’s when pizza crusts were first filled with cheese.

“Whatever will those crazy Americans think of next?” we said, considering the addition of cheese to a pizza crust a mere aberration, a flash in the pan, before we could all get back to eating sensible things like Big Macs and lollies that make you go blind when consumed in large quantities.

Then came the sausage-cheese-pizza-crust. All of a sudden, our jovial sense of the absurd became tinged with worry, a feeling that we were sinking ever deeper into a world from which there may be no return. “Somehow, it just doesn’t seem right”, we said. Nobody could pinpoint the precise reason why, but it seemed that the sausage-cheese-pizza-crust heralded the end of an age of innocence. A bleak, trumpet-call across the wasteland of a mall carpark.

Fast-forward to the cynical post-911 future, and KFC’s infamous Double Down, the burger that substituted buns for two pieces of deep-fried chicken, barely rates a mention beyond the endlessly recycled tropes of consumerist this andcapitalism that. Welcome to the New Age.

So, it was with little fanfare that Krispy Kreme announced the newest addition to the cavalcade of novelty fast-food items in the form of something that – like the ancient and ever-watchful darkness that laps at the edges of existence – has no name.

It is a hotdog shaped iced-donut, filled with jam and crispy fried bacon. A hotdog shaped donut filled with bacon. A hotdog shaped donut, filled with bacon. And Jam.

They want you to name it, to own it and make it yours. Join us, they say. Become one with us. Give yourself up to the inevitable march of progress.Come into the water, call the voices of the undines, it’s ever so warm.

I’ll take two.

Words by Simon Toppin